Thursday…a review of Pittsburgh.

This has been a difficult week for me. Heck…most weeks are anymore. The best week I’ve had in a long time I spent in Pittsburgh, PA.

Something about being that far away from all my current issues set me free. I was in a town I had no knowledge of, being around people I barely knew and exploring places I’d never been. Ever trip outside the hotel room was taking a chance of getting lost…every person I met was taking the chance of not being accepted or liked. Something about the pure risk of it all made me feel alive.

While I was up there I talked on the phone a lot to people back home. Friends, family…people who said I sounded more grounded, sure and emotionally stable than I had in a long time. I think I realized when I was up there who I really wanted to be. I was confident but not over-confident. Strong but able to expose my weaknesses. Excited about life but not ambivalent. Also…I stayed busy. Something that I enjoy doing. It’s when I stop that not only do I begin to doubt myself but also I begin to get depressed, which makes me not want to do anything and becomes a terrible cycle.

I wonder what happened between now and then…?

I guess since then I had to jump back into reality. The pain of what I’m going through in my love life, dealing with monumental changes in both my work and home lives. Working through difficult discussions and feelings…I mean, who wouldn’t dread this reality just a little bit? One thing I’ve also done? Stopped.

I have to get moving again. Explore myself and explore life. Make sure that every day I have interaction of some sort with people I care about and make the interaction COUNT. I have almost backed off of my support group a bit…maybe because I needed to or maybe because I was dealing with some depression. Either way, I love my friends and my family and I need to realize that they haven’t gone anywhere.

Resolve, not regrets.